Fear of Transformation

So for a part of November, I have been suffering from a fear of transformation. In my meditations, I realized it was time for me to take my meditations to the next level and I began researching meditation retreats and teacher training as well.

At first, I imagined myself in a beautiful, quiet place in nature reaching new heights of bliss in meditation. Floating on a cloud, surrounded by like-minded people, having revelatory conversations late at night, exploring some new part of the country--gee that sounds beautiful.

Then I began to realize the whole tougher part of a meditation retreat. They are typically in silence, or at least 80% in silence. Long days of meditation, yoga, chants, classes. Early rising. Late nights. 9 days away from my sweet puppy dog and loving, supportive husband. Pushing myself to new levels.

And then I (accidentally) saw an image of myself on one of these retreats, sobbing profusely. Through clairsentience, I could feel my waves of sadness and despair at some profound self-discoveries.

Holy. Crap.

Before I could talk myself out of anything at all, I signed up. I know this is what I need to grow as a person. A healer. A teacher. Have you ever been afraid of your own mind? It's what I simultaneously love and fear about meditation. It takes you all the way inside yourself, and what you find is both miraculous and ridiculous all at once.

I am praying for strength and an open mind. I am praying for God to help me rise to the challenge of the retreat and soak up every inch of it to take with me. I am saying okay fear, I see you, I am aware of you, and now I'm moving past you. I guess step one to meditation is accepting the challenge of meditation. The retreat has already begun.